On a warm summer’s eve
In a bar down in Jasper
I saw “The Baseball Player”
Ersatz vintage, prob’ly cheap
Frank Tilghman was a-starin’
Out the window at the rumble
When Morgan overdid it
Then he began to speak

He said, “Son, I’ve made a life
Out of hurtin’ people’s livers
Knowin’ not to card ’em
By the way they held their eyes
And I heard that you’ll be stayin’
Out with Emmett by the river
Have a taste of my whiskey
And give me some advice”

So he handed me a bottle
And he ogled as I swallowed
Then I smoked a cigarette
And glistened in the light
And the night got deathly quiet
And his face made weird expressions
I said, “If I’m gonna be your cooler
I’m gonna be your cooler right

You’ve got to know when to hold it
Know your opponent
Know when it’s time for nice
And know when it’s not
You’re gonna pay me money
To drive a man’s face through a table
Cuz it’s my way or the highway
I’m extremely hot

Every cooler knows
That the secret to survivin’
Is knowin’ which guy’s throats to rip
And knowin’ who to kick
‘Cause no one is a winner
And every fight’s a loser
Go ahead and call me dickless
But I sure won’t show my dick”

And when I finished speakin’
I turned back toward the window
Crushed out my cigarette
And wandered to my Benz
And somewhere in his office
Frank Tilghman stood there grinnin’
Then doctored dirty words
In the graffiti in the Men’s

You’ve got to know when to hold it
Know your opponent
Know when it’s time for nice
And know when it’s not
You’re gonna pay me money
To drive a man’s face through a table
Cuz it’s my way or the highway
I’m extremely hot

You’ve got to know when to hold it (when to hold it)
Know your opponent (your opponent)
Know when it’s time for nice
And know when it’s not
You’re gonna pay me money
To drive a man’s face through a table
Cuz it’s my way or the highway
I’m extremely hot

You’ve got to know when to hold it
Know your opponent
Know when it’s time for nice
And know when it’s not
You’re gonna pay me money
To drive a man’s face through a table
Cuz it’s my way or the highway
I’m extremely hot