A bottle of white
A bottle of red
A smashed beer bottle on a drunk guy’s head
We’ll climb on tables with our feet
Near the chickenwire stage
You and I, filled with rage

A bottle of red
A bottle of white
Regularly scheduled thing for Saturday night
You’ll wear a tablecloth you got
From an Italian restaurant

Things were okay with me those days
I got a good job, I got out of Memphis
I fucked a dude’s wife, ripped out his windpipe
And I didn’t do time

Oh, we’d just met days ago
You’d just healed my torso
“Nobody ever wins a fight” was my pickup line

You remember those days getting nude in a refurbed barn
My enemy watched as we fucked on an old man’s farm
Oh, we didn’t bother to kiss, who needs foreplay when you’ve got charm
Cold beer, fist fights
My sweet romantic Jasper nights

Oooh, hoo
Yeah, yeah
Wooo, hoo
Ohh, ohh, ohh

Oh oh
Oh oh
Oh oh oh oh ohh
Oh oh
Oh oh
Oh oh oh oh

Dalton and Wesley were the hero and heavy
Of a film that initially bombed
Swerving around with the car top down
And tai-chi on the lawn
Nobody looked any finer
And they both put their dicks in the Doc’s vagina
But Jeff Healey knew and implied Doc was Wesley’s ex-wife
So it’s Dalton and Wesley and only one man will survive

Oh oh
Oh oh
Oh oh oh oh ohh
Oh oh
Oh oh
Oh oh oh oh

Dalton and Wesley were getting real petty
In a film in 1989
Wesley decided to cut off the Double Deuce liquor supply
Everyone said they were crazy
Wesley had goons who were much too lazy
And Dalton was dueling a guy with a boot with a knife
Oh, but there were were watching Dalton call Wade for advice

Oh oh
Oh oh
Oh oh

Well, he opted to send for his wise old mentor
Who had taught him to bounce with no fears
He’d feathered his nest where the girls shook their breasts
And drunk soldiers could ogle their rears
He was grizzled and louche and he said “Double Douche”
And his bloodstream’s primarily beers
A-whoa oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh
Wade Garret’s old

Oh oh
Oh oh
Oh oh

Well, they fought for a while in a very nice style
But it’s always the same in the end
Wade Garrett got knifed and it cost him his life
(Though he’d shown off his pubes to his friends)
Then the old men got mad and massacred Brad
Right after Dalton killed all of his men
Oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh

Dalton and Wesley had had it already
By the end of 1989
There was no way to know
We’d be watching this show
For the rest of our lives
It influenced Mystery Science
Extensively cut for network compliance
And soon was a staple of watching on cable while high
Oh, and that’s all I heard about Dalton and Wesley
One was Gazzara and one was real sweaty
And here we are waving Dalton and Wesley goodbye

Oh oh
Oh oh
Oh oh oh oh ohh
Oh oh
Oh oh
Oh oh oh oh ohh
Oh oh
Oh oh
Oh oh oh oh ohh

Yeah, yeah, yeah

A bottle of red
Ooh, a bottle of white
Whatever works so pain don’t hurt tonight
Just wear that tablecloth you got
From an Italian restaurant

I wrote an essay on growing up on Long Island and my resulting love-hate relationship with Billy Joel for BuzzFeed Music. I kind of can’t believe it either.