* Normally I write these things more or less in chronological order. This is because I’ve taken to jotting down notes on each episode as I watch it. (The Missus: “Whatcha writin’?” Sean: “I’m taking notes for my Gossip Girl review.” The Missus: “And that is why this marriage works.”) But, I mean, c’mon, can’t do that this time. You know what you want.
* Now I know what I’m supposed to say: “You call that a threesome?!?! That ain’t a threesome–that’s a threesome” or some shit like that. But that’s not how I feel at all. (Although you should click the link for the awesome threesome comic I wrote.) I mean, realistically, what more would we have gotten on network television? Some nude backs and people kissing each other’s necks with their eyes closed and making moaning sounds? Unless we’re gonna see Hilary Duff’s nipples and Penn Badgley’s rhythmically flexing asscheeks, I am not interested.
* What we got instead was the most erotic part of this particular sexual encounter, and I think of many sexual encounters outside the context of a committed relationship (though more about that later): The moments when the involved parties consciously choose pleasure. Watching the Duffster’s eyes dart back and forth between Dan and Vanessa as she methodically kisses each of them was about a billion times hotter than whatever PG-13 sex scene we might have gotten out of the subsequent scenario. (Shit, I almost feel like they put us through the “OMG she did a sex scene in her vampire movie how can Dan STAND IT” nonsense a couple episodes back as an object lesson in how non-hot that kind of thing is.) Ditto however many years of will-they won’t-they tension between Vanessa and Dan dissolving in, essentially, a dare, in a thought process that would be something like “I love this person and care about them as a friend, but they’re also beautiful, so now we’re going to use each other’s beauty for our mutual enjoyment, and that’s fine.” That’s sexy!
* And of course there’s the added bonus that this went down as it has so many times in real life: In the context of relationships that will no doubt go down in fucking flames because of it. I don’t think Gossip Girl is the place to go for the eroticized misery that these sorts of collegiate affairs engender, I don’t think it’s going to end up being a super-realistic depiction of how the people who’ve given you orgasms often rip your guts out before or after or even during that particular procedure, but the teaser for next week makes it clear that it’s at least a catalyst for upending the Dan/Vanessa apple cart and causing mischief with Dan and Olivia. Should be a hoot to watch if nothing else.
* Okay, the rest of it:
* I don’t buy the suddenness and totality of Jenny’s transformation into Queen Bee of the Mean Girls.
* And yet I do buy the suddenness and totality of Chuck’s transformation into the mature voice of reason.
* Maybe it’s because the former development is annoying whereas the second is totally awesome? What else can you say about a guy acts more like Batman and dresses more like the Joker with each passing episode? His increasingly purple, sleepwear-based wardrobe is a joy to behold. And the second Serena and Blair got on the elevator, I knew he sabotaged it, I knew it! But the booze and cookies was a touch not even I anticipated. I guess that’s why I’m Sean Collins and he’s Chuck Bass. “If you two want to kiss, it won’t count as cheating.” Oh Chuck, you’re my hero.
* Hey, that reminds me, I believe this episode contained our first real, mutually satisfactory same-sex kiss, correct? I know it was in the context of a trendy threesome and everything, but I’m still down with it because I don’t think either girl was doing it for Dan’s benefit. So good for them. Still, and perhaps therefore, every scene with Erik and Jonathan just pissed me off all the more. Make out! Make out, goddamn you! I’m so sick of these chaste kiss-less network-tv gay relationships. I wanna see some dudes swap spit for Chrissakes. I want the slap and tickle.
* Speaking of Erik, while I do support an Erik/Blair alliance centered on blackmailing some kid about shenanigans after lights-out at camp, Erik’s behavior in this episode was even tougher to swallow than Jenny’s. His instantaneous recourse to lying to both the mousy girl and to Jenny during the whole escort situation was not only out of character, it was indicative of how overused that device is by the show’s writers. They do have the decency to expose the lies pretty quickly at this point–I don’t think the “I’ve already got a date” text-message ruse lasted longer than one commercial break–but it’s annoying and increasingly tough to swallow when even the good eggs start doing it as a matter of course.
* Regarding the escort, though, why is Nate such a coup? I love the kid, but did no one remember him publicly disgracing himself a week ago when he went on television and took the fall for attempting to rig a congressional election by staging a fake drowning on Election Day?
* What self-respecting male geek likes Twilight? You frakked up, writers.
* My favorite cut of the evening was from the nascent threesome to the Empire State Phallic Symbol.
* “Falafel at Mamoun’s”! There’s a Mamoun’s up where I went to school too, and whenever I think of it I remember the time when one of my roommates was wandering around drunk as a lord at 3am with a couple of other people when he got the munchies. They were passing by Mamoun’s and though it was dark, there was a light on in the back and the door was unlocked. Drunk enough to be undeterred by a closed sign, my buddy wanders through the darkened dining room and stumbles into the kitchen, where he sees a dude with slicked-back hair and a wife-beater, looking like a young Johnny Depp, counting out stacks of money. My friend apologizes for intruding and heads back out the way he came. “Hey!” yells the guy from the kitchen. “We have everything but falafel…” Just before my buddy can reply “Great–I’ll have some baba ganoush!”, his companions, who’ve by now come into the restaurant to retrieve him and realized just what kind of offer was being made here, thank the gentleman for his time and escort my friend out of the premises. Thus, when I heard Dan read this item from the list of things to do in college, I instinctively heard it with quotes around ‘falafel.’
