So the addle-brained old coot in the Vatican has taken time out of his busy schedule of child-molester protecting, genocidal-dictator enabling, and general acting like an outtake from the upcoming comedy blockbuster Weekend at Popey’s (that was Amy’s joke) to issue some statements about the real menace facing the world today: The Gays. In a 12-page statement His Bighatwearingness called homosexuality “against the natural moral law” and “serious depravity,” called the adoption of children by gay couples “doing violence to these children,” and called the legalization of gay marriage “gravely immoral,” “deviant,” and “the legalization of evil.” It’s important to remember, however, that he honestly believes he’s just relaying the faxes he receives from the Baby Jesus or whatever.
This continues to prove my twin theories that a) The Jesus that the Pope hangs out with is an asshole compared to the Jesus I’ve heard about all my life; b) Yes, you can be one of the four or five people most responsible for the fall of Communism and still fritter away the last vestiges of respect that I might have for you.
(I’m starting to think this was maybe the wrong post to write the day I first add Eve Tushnet to my blogroll. Hi, Eve! Sorry!)
Fortunately for His Doddericy, the War On Buttfucking is picking up world-wide, with our nation’s President finally getting his priorities straight, ignoring the legions of Islamic radicals who want to kill us all and an economy with all the energy of a three-toed sloth with chronic fatigue syndrome, and focusing on the most pressing issue currently before the most powerful nation in the history of the world: The need for a fucking Constitutional amendment to prevent The Gays from ever picking out wedding photographers. This is in keeping with his “compassionate conservatism” theme, because as we all know the floral arrangements at a gay wedding would be anything but conservative.
Good God, but has the whole world gone fucking mad? Is this really something that Bush thinks is a good idea to do? Right there in the Constitution, enshrined along with Freedom of Speech and Freedom of Religion and Freedom from Slavery, he wants Freedom from Ever Having to Hear the Words “I Now Pronounce You Wife and Wife”? Is he hitting the bottle again? Pabst Blue Ribbon’s really hip these days, you know.
I’ll say this in Bush’s favor, though: At least his political party has a rich history of fag-bashing to which he can proudly cling. Saint Clinton of the Democrats (who if you recall led America through an Unprecedented Golden Age of Liberal Enlightenment during which all the homeless moved into mansions paid for with their dot-com millions, racism was unanimously banned forever and ever amen, and Osama Bin Laden was cowed into hiding by the twin forces of having his pain felt by the Understander-In-Chief and having an ibuprofen factory in the Sudan destroyed) had no such excuse when he lobbied for and signed the noxious piece of hate-law called the Defense of Marriage Act, which of course is still in effect and makes Bush’s proposed Constitution-tampering completely redundant. Saint Clinton, you see, felt that The Gays would set a bad example for our nation’s children when it came to honoring the sanctity of marriage, which we all know must remain solely the sacred bond between a power-crazed woman, a revoltingly promiscuous and hypocritical man, and his dozens upon dozens of trailer-trash mistresses and cock-sucking interns.
Note to the Pope: How’s God coming along with that whole “blessing America” bit?