I’ve noticed, from time to time, that some loved ones of a woman with an eating disorder (usually the parents) all but insist that the ED sufferers they encounter produce some sort of “positive” subject to talk about–an aspiration, a goal, something that would make them happy, something that currently makes them happy–basically, anything but all that gloomy gus talk about pain and resentment and being pissed off and miserable and slowly dying that tends to dominate the discussion about ED.
Maybe their intentions are good: the power of positive thinking, the cup is half full, et cetera. But my theory is that the barely unspoken subtext is twofold: 1) “Please tell me that it’s not all pain and hurt and anger so I don’t have to feel like I’ve done a lousy job loving you”; 2) “Quit your whining and snap out of it already.” If all it took to overcome ED were to turn that frown upside-down and ac-cent-tchu-ate the positive, we’d all be skipping family therapy sessions and chowin’ down at the Cracker Barrel.
I thought about this (unsurprisingly) in terms of Star Wars. In the Lucas cosmology, the Dark Side of the Force is driven by anger, hatred, fear, agression, and jealousy. The message is to refuse to let those feelings take over your life. But the message is NOT that those feelings have no place in your life at all, that such feelings are invalid, shameful, inappropriate, bad. We’re human, and we feel, well, pissed off sometimes. We shouldn’t let that run our lives, but nor should we try to eliminate those feelings from our lives altogether.
I’ve found that many women with ED use their symptoms as a way to sublimate the negative emotions they won’t allow themselves to feel and express–or that their families forbid them to feel and express. When their loved ones, in the guise of encouragement, try to goad them into don’t-worry-be-happy mode, focusing on long-term aspirations that would make them feel good about themselves in some theoretical future, they (intentionally or not) discourage or even prevent them from feeling and expressing the anger, sadness, frustration, and hurt that are just as much a part of human nature as the happy stuff, and just as valid a part as well.
I’ve watched family, friends, and lovers attempt to comfort their loved one with ED, all the while transmitting wave after wave of needy “please act happy so I don’t have to worry so much” vibes like an enmeshed-family version of the RKO tower. I’ve done it myself. But when the ED sufferer is ready to be happy, she’ll let you know. It’s not a process you can force them to focus on, nor should you try. To do so is to send yet another message that a woman who isn’t happy is a bitch, that anger and sadness are not something good people feel, and that expressing negative feelings is something to be avoided at all cost. Avoiding the expression of those feelings is what got them starving or bingeing or purging in the first place. Now, it’s important for everyone involved to acknowledge and appreciate those feelings for what they are–not part of the Dark Side, but part of being human.